Something I hear often, in different words: “I am functioning fine. I am just not really there.”
Not regular exhaustion. Not a bad week. Just the lights off inside, while from the outside everything looks exactly as it should. Everything runs - and she is not in it.
That is what survival mode looks like after returning from maternity leave. Not collapse. “Fine.”
When functioning is not the same as being okay
Survival mode begins when the body stops asking “what do I need?” and shifts to asking only “what is next?”
You go from pickup to dinner to bath to the email that cannot wait. Everything gets handled. And somewhere in all of it, you disappeared from the story.
A lot of the women I meet after birth are not in survival mode because they lack capability. They are in it because they are so capable - and so they just keep going, and going, without pausing to check in with themselves.
The first months back at work are when this peaks. Suddenly there are two whole worlds asking for you at the same time.
What restores, and what depletes
From what I have learned about a woman’s body and mind after birth - what actually regulates and replenishes her is not another task completed.
Not another project closed. Not another item ticked. Not another email answered before the deadline.
What restores is connection. Meaning. Pleasure. Beauty. A moment that feels like a moment - not a line item.
A lot of the women I meet describe their “time for myself” as another box to tick: “I went to Pilates, done.” But when the body is genuinely, deeply depleted, an intense workout does not fill - it draws down further. Like borrowing when the account is already overdrawn.
This does not mean exercise is bad. It means there is a real difference between what soothes and what drains - and it is worth understanding which you are doing, and from where.
”Just set limits” - the advice that hides a lot
Women going back after maternity leave hear this one constantly: set limits, just say no.
Just say no. How simple.
From what I have learned - setting a limit takes an enormous amount of emotional and mental energy. Far more than it sounds like from where the advice-giver is standing.
After birth, when reserves are already small, “just say no” is not really advice. It is an added weight on a body that is already carrying a great deal.
There are ways to build structure that cost less. Not confrontation - a quieter, more deliberate framing. What fits you, and where you actually are right now.
Taking care of yourself - not everything
The women I work with usually do not need help managing their schedule. They know how to manage.
What they are looking for is a space to remember that there is a “they” in the first place.
Not taking care of everything - the house, the children, the job, all of it - but taking care of themselves inside all that. Not from selfishness, but from staying regulated. Without it, everything functions - and you are not there.
You are 100% okay just as you are. And you can get through this transition without losing yourself in it.
If the question of who you are now - with these two worlds pulling at you - is what keeps surfacing, there is more here: Matrescence - who am I now after birth.
Focused support, not long-term therapy
This is the part that usually goes unsupported: there is focused support for returning to work, for exactly this window.
It is not long-term therapy, and it is not career coaching. It is short, deliberate work at the point where you need it most.
I am not here to tell you what to think or feel, or to manage your time. I am here so that there is room - for the questions, the difficulties, and building a transition that actually holds you.
Three to five sessions, as needed - from before the return through the first months back. Space to find what is right for you.
If the return is still ahead, the emotional guide to going back to work after maternity leave has more, and the emotional back-to-work checklist is a good place to start if you want something concrete.
Want to talk?
If something here is asking for room - I am here.
A 20-minute intro call, no commitment. Let’s talk.